Asking Sunshine: Considering Casual Sex

Asking Sunshine

Hey Sunshine,

I am about to blow your mind, because I’ve got a bunch of stuff going through my mind at this point.  I hope you can help.  I recently met this dude on Twitter and we’ve been exchanging direct messaging for a few days.  I’m not delusional and won’t claim to know him at all (I only know what he tells me about him).  I know it could be a lie.  Here is my issue, sis, I think I would like to have sex with him.  He sends me photos of himself kind of naked and it really turns me on…does this mean he wants the same?  Anyway what do you think I should do?  I do have casual (no strings attached) sex, but I usually try to make sure the person does not know my friends.  Should I go for it or is this too risky?

Dear Considering Casual Sex,

Let me start by saying, thanks for the honesty of your question and sharing a subject that many women struggle with discussing, casual sex.  I am hoping that my readers don’t rush to judgment, but see the reality that we are all allowed to have different experiences, as long as we stay safe.  So, let me see if I can help you out with you dilemma; I wonder if your real concerns lie in the setting in which you met this person and the uncertainty of his desire to have an encounter with you.  I would say the first step is determining if you are both on the same page what will be your agreed boundaries and how do you stay safe with whatever you decided to do?

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Google Image

Casual sex by definition is just that, casual.  Anyone that knows me has probably has heard me say, “I don’t believe that it is for everyone and I especially think it can be more difficult for women.” However, I believe that if people are going to do it, try to prepare yourself.

Tips on Casual Sex…

  • Be upfront and honest. This will always be one of the most important tips of much of my advice.  Make sure it is clear to the other person that you are not planning to have a “relationship” and that you only want to have sex.  
  • Don’t make your encounters daily.  Let’s be real, the experience of casual sex shouldn’t be frequent, because it is not to be confused as a relationship. The more time you spend together it starts to feel like you are developing some other type of relationship.   Also, if you are like the person who sent this question, consider not even meeting up at your home.  Truth is, your safety needs to be considered when exposing yourself to a stranger.
  •  Make it fun.  Don’t be so serious; lighting candles, cooking an elegant dinner and/or setting a romantic mood.  Why not you say?  The reasons for casual sex needs to be fun and about enjoying all those naughty things you may want to do to another person.  Remember you are not in search of an intellectual encounter!  
  •  NO SPENDING THE NIGHT!!!!  Being there in the morning, whether you like it or not, will create intimacy.  It moves the experience from casual sex to dating and then the illusion that you may be able to date. This one is especially important for that person that thinks they can handle their emotions and won’t develop feelings. Stay over too many nights then talk to me about what you’re feeling.
  • Set up your boundaries.  Just because it’s casual sex doesn’t mean you are not to be respected.  That means let them know what you will or will not be open to doing.  Don’t hold back, make it clear what you like sexually and what you will not do in this encounter.  Also, in terms of respect, if you set up an encounter and he is a no show, rude, mean or treats you with less value than you desire, move on.  Casual sex should NEVER be stressful or make you feel bad about yourself.

Last but not least.  SAFE SEX or no sex.  I don’t care how much you know or don’t know about the person you select to have casual sex with, protect yourself.

Be Safe

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ASKING SUNSHINE

Are you torn, unsure what to do next let Sunshine offer you some advice on addressing the maintenance and improvement of interpersonal skills, relationships (intimate, friendship and more). You can direct your questions to sharea@radiantsunshine.org , please put “Asking Sunshine” in the subject line or if you are interested in being anonymous to me as well, you can submit your question to http://qooh.me/AskSunshine
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One thought on “Asking Sunshine: Considering Casual Sex

  1. Good Advice; this woman needs to be real with herself; she may not want this computer guy to be the one she explores sexually with. She doesn’t know him and anything could go wrong if she doesn’t even let her friends know what is going on. Also Sunshine, I would like to understand why you think women can’t handle casual sex?

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