Asking Sunshine: Attracted to My Husband’s Best Friend

Asking Sunshine

I’m a 32-year-old married woman. I love my husband of 6 years, but recently I found myself attracted to my husband’s best friend. We all went to college together and for a brief time I dated him prior to even meeting my husband. We didn’t work and never had sex, but we’ve continued as good friends; he even introduced me to my now husband.  My husband teases us saying things like, “You guys have more in common”, or to him “Still mad I married your woman?” We laugh it off, but now I’m starting to wonder “what if”? His friend calls me when he can’t reach my husband and comes to us for advice on love.  I love my husband, who by the way is a great person, I want these feelings to end, but I’m not sure what to do?

Dear Attracted to My Husband’s Best Friend,

Oh what a tangle web we weave.  It sounds like you are in an awkward position that has been in the making for years.  I am not going to make any assumptions about the state of your marriage or your commitment to your husband.  Therefore, the advice I give will strictly address the information provided and hopefully give you a real starting place to deal with your attraction.

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Things to consider when you find yourself having an unwanted attraction

Start by making a clear effort to place boundaries in the relationship with your husband’s friend.  To put it plain, stay clear of a solo relationship.  Remember, the more time you invest in people, the more it increases attraction.  So stay clear.  Try this for as long as you need to help the attraction fade; this will not guarantee the attraction ends, but it will lessen the likelihood of something happening.   This step is really about reducing the impulse of acting on your attraction.  And that’s what it sounds like you’re aiming for, at the end of the day.

The truth is the more we are around someone we are attracted to, the more that attraction grows.  In the case of your husband’s friend, not only is he around when he is visiting with your husband, but he has also gotten comfortable calling you when your husband is not available.  When these types of things happen, you start to gain insight that only strengthens that desire or attraction.  I say this with kindness. Stop the phone conversations now! You are not required to give him relationship advice and you always have the option to refer him back to your husband.

Now that I have made it clear what you need to do to rid yourself of this attraction, do me a solid, relax. Acting on attraction is totally different from fantasies and romanticizing. I know some of my readers find that hard to believe; having a simple attraction to someone who is not your husband does not automatically mean you love your husband less.  Someone getting married doesn’t equate to never being attracted to another person outside of your spouse; truth be told, it is natural for people to be attracted to one another.  So don’t beat yourself up just yet.

Lastly, to have a truly healthy marriage you need to address what is going on inside of you.  It may be essential to you and your marriage to fully examine these feelings, rather than locking them away.  I’m not saying go running to your husband confessing your love for his best friend, because that is far from productive. I’m merely suggesting you understand your attraction for what it is and please do not continue to cultivate or feed it. Remember, if you acted on the attraction, that would change the entirety of my advice.   

Good Luck; Sunshine

ASKING SUNSHINE

Are you torn, unsure what to do next let Sunshine offer you some advice on addressing the maintenance and improvement of interpersonal skills, relationships (intimate, friendship and more). You can direct your questions to sharea@radiantsunshine.org , please put “Asking Sunshine” in the subject line or if you are interested in being anonymous to me as well, you can submit your question to http://qooh.me/AskSunshine
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