It has been awhile. I miss you. How did I know that this day would feel different? Back in January I looked up dates and exact times and now wonder if that’s why this day felt different. Did my flare for the dramatic put me here or was it grief? Did I know that I planned to write to you? Would I have written to you today if I didn’t look up these exact dates all those months ago? Maybe me and grief can get a little dramatic.
Maybe it was both! I don’t know, but you know me I sometimes think way too much. I turned 42 this year and all I can do is reflect on what that year meant for you. How that last year was rough, how you held it together, while still preparing me for what you wanted. How strong you were, how weak I got. How emphatic and thoughtful you were, how selfish and self absorbed I got. How could I let you comfort me as if I couldn’t see what those last months meant. I miss you now, I missed you then and I wonder if that pressure was too much. You were being a big sister and I was the little one. I know. I promised you for months, I would not let grief break me. But to be honest there were exact moments I couldn’t breathe without you. It felt like it was easier to break, so I broke but was never broken. I hope I didn’t disappoint you.
This is 42 and 46 days in this world for me. I lost my best friend, oldest sister to cancer when you were 42 years old and 46 days in this world. It marked the beginning of a very different journey for me in this world. I smile more now than the year I lost you. Please know that our memories reminded me to breathe. It reminds me of love; it reminds me of you.
On this day I acknowledge your continued love and ongoing light.