Asking Sunshine: Waiting to Be Married

Asking Sunshine…

Hi Sunshine!

I have been seeing the same guy since my junior year in college and we are now almost 30. I want to start a family once we are married, but the last 5 years he has said “next year, my question is how do I get him to understand time is ticking or should I just wait?

Dear Waiting To Be Married..

If I give it to you straight, then a few sentences in you may be upset with me because I’m not giving you the answer you expect.  I say this because every situation is different and I can give you multiple options, but it still comes down to what you are willing to accept.  Let’s be clear that each of these options are going to be assuming that you are not merely seeking a proposal for validation.  By that I mean you don’t feel that a proposal will certify his love for you or that if he doesn’t propose, may break up with you.  If those things happen to be your real reasoning, marriage may not be the best option for other reasons.  Making the mistake of believing that marriage equates to a strong partnership will guarantee insecurities in the marriage (If It Isn’t Love).

So now that I have that out the way let’s get to those options:  

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Google Image

So What Are Your Options… 

  • Well sis, to be honest, you can keep waiting.  I know that you are in your late 20’s and the clock is starting to tick louder than usual.  However, he could be waiting for a better job or saving for the perfect ring or waiting until he is ready.  Be clear, none of these mean he is not going to marry you.  Be Patient, but make clear your boundaries.  One thing I know from my male friends is that if a man doesn’t feel “ready” for marriage, he will not be pressured into a proposal.  I’m not saying make him believe you will wait for the second coming; you do need to drop the seed and nurture it until it takes root.   With this option, you have to remember one important thing, some men can stay involved with a woman for years and not be in love or see them as the one. Many are perfectly fine with maintaining a long term relationship.  So remember to evaluate the state of your relationship; does he talk marriage with you or avoid the subject like the plague?  Most men will tell you it doesn’t take five years or more to know if you are the one.
  • This next option requires you to have the courage to communicate clearly about the possibility of a future together or face the reality that you may need to let him go to find someone that desires the same things.  If having children is a must for you and is more important to you than your relationship, it’s time to make that clear to him.  However, be clear this can come off like an ultimatum, which many men feel is manipulative and/or pressure.  Approach this conversation with love.  Let him know that you not only want children, but you want them with him and as his wife.  I know that in this day and age mothers have gotten older and we forget the biological truth that after a certain age, odds of a healthy pregnancy begin to go down.  That may be worth acknowledging if you want more than one child.
  • Make sure to comfort his fears of marriage.  Marriage for some men can represent a commitment or obligation that limits them (not just the thought of one woman).  Men in our society have been conditioned to believe that it limits their freedom and makes them connected to only this one relationship, somehow making their life or other relationships non-existent.  Knowing that you have been together for some time provides a level of comfort with the fact that marriage is not going to cause an end to his friendships, family or any other relationships.  Consider spending some time around some happily married people in all different stages of marriage (newlywed and old timers).  And if by chance he struggles with the one woman commitment for life issue; I’ll leave it to you to demonstrate in your own ways how fantastic of a woman you are.  
  • I forgot to add you could ask him to marry you.  Sure, this is not the “normal” way things are done, but times are changing and who says you can’t or should not go for it!

 With all that said, remember most men want a wife that he recognizes as confident, secure and happy with herself; take care of you first and let the rest come to you…

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ASKING SUNSHINE

Are you torn, unsure what to do next let Sunshine offer you some advice on addressing the maintenance and improvement of interpersonal skills, relationships (intimate, friendship and more). You can direct your questions to sharea@radiantsunshine.org , please put “Asking Sunshine” in the subject line or if you are interested in being anonymous to me as well, you can submit your question to http://qooh.me/AskSunshine
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